once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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