my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
