Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
