there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
