Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
