u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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