T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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