my mouth tastes like poor choices
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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