when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
