i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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