How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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