If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
