I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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