My liver just broke up with me...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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