I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
