I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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