I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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