plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
