I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
