Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
