I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
