I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
