I met the friendliest cop last night
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
