I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Bring me that man meat
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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