I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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