Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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