I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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