My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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