i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want a musical about memes.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
