The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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