I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
