I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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