Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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