I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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