She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
