his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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