I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
