Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
