I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
