If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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