Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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