I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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