So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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