Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it's like iHOP with fire
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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