Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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