so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We left the knife in your bed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
