I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I have aggressive nipples.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
