No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Randomize
