Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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