Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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